Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
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Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
boat question
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!