Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
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Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION