Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
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Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
True statement👍😏😁
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Interior design 👌
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!