my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
You Might Also Like
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.