Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
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1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?