*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
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I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me