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Sell your car
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
don’t be scared
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you