My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
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[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
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Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.