Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
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Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”