sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
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boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Sex so good you see dead people.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Not messing around
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*