I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
You Might Also Like
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.