My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
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Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
what?
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.