Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
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No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
So we got a goldfish…
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
my retirement plan is braless