Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
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If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
A completely valid reaction tbh
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.