A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
You Might Also Like
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
There are usually two types of merchants.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly