[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
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Digital security in Ancient Troy
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.