Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
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I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud