I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
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A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
This is a bad sign
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*