[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
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Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.