Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
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Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
How wrong was this guy?
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.