I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
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guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
No way!
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.