Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
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An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
the short answer to this question
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Practicing safe sax
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.