[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
You Might Also Like
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
i really liked this one
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.