[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
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Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
constantly working on myself.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
6: are snakes just neck?
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…