If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
You Might Also Like
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host