god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
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Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Yup.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
#CoronaOutbreak
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda