*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
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My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.