One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
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Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.