If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
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You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
I’m crying im so happy for them
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”