[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
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Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
😎 🍻
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.