My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
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The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.