How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
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If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Coffee is ready.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.