Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
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Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”