*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
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[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
#ProTip
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Just me and my debit card against the world
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA