[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
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Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation