My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
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I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Google reviews are always so mixed..
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Care for your back
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.