I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
You Might Also Like
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.