To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
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me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL