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#SaturdayBears
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada