All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
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Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”