“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
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“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
I’ve had relationships like this
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?