Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
You Might Also Like
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.