[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
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Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
wow
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks