*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
You Might Also Like
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours