I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
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TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Not even remotely sorry.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
My background check bounced.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this