Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
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Taliband
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
he looks great for his age
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.