Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
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A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
I’m crying im so happy for them
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…