New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
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Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.