A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
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He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?