“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
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Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
bought wrong eggs
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that